Facing our own mortality.

To begin this deep fucking topic (which I believe is extremely important for your own personal development) it is important to introduce you to one of the most influential anthropologists in the world. Ernest Becker.

Bare with me here, he’s fucking important and has some invaluable points you should be applying to your life.

I’m here to break it all down for you and give you the no bullshit approach like always!

Grab your coffee, beer or glass of wine and enjoy!

To begin, a little about the man himself. Ernest Becker was an academic outcast. In 1960, he got his Ph.D. in anthropology; his doctoral research compared the unlikely and unconventional practices of Zen Buddhism and psychoanalysis. At the time, Zen was seen as something for hippies and fucking drug addicts, and Freudian psychoanalysis was considered a quack form of psychology left over from the Stone Age.

Swiftly moving on, Becker died in 1974. I know tragic stuff right, but his book The Denial of Death, would win the Pulitzer Prize and become one of the most influential intellectual works of the twentieth century, shaking up the fields of psychology and anthropology, while making profound philosophical claims that are still influential today.

The Denial of Death essentially makes two points:

Humans are unique in that we’re the only animals that can conceptualize and think about ourselves abstractly. Dogs don’t sit around and worry about their career. Cats don’t think about their past mistakes or wonder what would have happened if they’d done something differently. Monkeys don’t argue over future possibilities. just as fish don’t sit around wondering if other fish would like them more if they had longer fins (get it 😏).

As humans, we’re blessed with the ability to imagine Ourselves in hypothetical situations. To contemplate both the past and the future. To imagine other realities or situations where things might be different. And it’s because of this unique mental ability, Becker says, that we all, at some point, become aware of the inevitability of our own death.

Because we’re able to conceptualize alternate versions of reality, we are also the only animal capable of imagining a reality without ourselves in it.

This realization causes what Becker calls ” death terror, a deep existential anxiety that underlies everything we think or do.

Becker’s second point starts with the premise that we essentially have two “selves.” The first self is the physical self the one that eats, sleeps, snores, and poops. The second self is our conceptual self our identity, or how we see ourselves.

Becker’s argument is this: We are all aware on some level that our physical self will eventually die, that this death is inevitable, and that its inevitability. On some unconscious level scares the shit out of us.

Therefore. in order to compensate for our fear of the inevitable loss of our physical self, we try to construct a conceptual self that will live forever. This is why people try so hard to put their names on buildings, on statues, on spines of books. It’s why we feel compelled to spend so much time giving ourselves to others, especially to children, in the hopes that our influence our conceptual self will last way beyond our physical self.

That we will be remembered and revered and idolized long after our physical self ceases to exist.

Becker called such efforts our “immortality projects,” projects that allow our conceptual self to live on way past the point of our physical death.

All of human civilization, he says, is basically a result of immortality projects: the cities and governments and structures and authorities in place today were all immortality proiects of men and women who came before us. They are the remnants of conceptual selves that ceased to die. Names like Jesus, Muhammad, Napoleon, and Shakespeare are just as powerful today as when those men lived. if not more so. And that’s the whole point.

Whether it be through mastering an art form, conquering a new land, gaining great riches, or simply having a large and loving family that will live on for generations, all the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire to never truly die.

Religion, politics, sports, art, and technological innovation are the result of people’s immortality projects. Becker argues that wars and revolutions and mass murder occur when one group of people’s immortality projects rub up against another group’s. Centuries of oppression and the bloodshed of millions have been justified as the defense of one group’s immortality project against another’s.

But, when our immortality projects fail, when the meaning is lost, when the prospect of our conceptual self outliving our physical self no longer seems possible or likely, death terror-that horrible, depressing anxiety creeps back into our mind.

Trauma can cause this, as can shame and social ridicule. As can, as Becker points out, mental illness. If you haven’t figured it out yet, our immortality projects are our values. They are the barometers of meaning and worth in our life. And when our values fail, so do we, psychologically speaking. What Becker is saying, in essence, is that we’re all driven by fear to give way too many fucks about something, because giving a fuck about something is the only thing that distracts us from the reality and inevitability of our own death. And to truly not give a single fuck is to achieve a quasi spiritual state of embracing the impermanence of one’s own existence. In that state, one is far less likely to get caught up in various forms of entitlement.

Becker later came to a startling realization on his deathbed: that people’s immortality projects were actually the problem, not the solution; that rather than attempting to implement, often through lethal force, their conceptual self across the world, people should question their conceptual self and become more comfortable with the reality of their own death. Becker called this «the bitter antidote,” and struggled with reconciling it himself as he stared down his own demise. While death is bad, it is inevitable.

Therefore, we should not avoid this realization, but rather come to terms with it as best we can. Because once we become comfortable with the fact of our own death the root terror, the underlying anxiety motivating all of life’s frivolous ambitions we can then choose our values more freely, unrestrained by the illogical quest for immortality, and freed from dangerous dogmatic views.

Now. I bet you’re feeling overwhelmed, I know I was. So take a breath.

If you’re gonna take anything from this let it be “while death is bad it’s inevitable”

Have your coffee and enjoy the sense of psychological freedom that comes from this realisation!

Oh this blog is long so for the sake of your sanity I’ve broken it down into two parts, the second will be posted Monday because who doesn’t like reading about mortality on a Monday eh! 👍🏻😂

Till then motherfuckers have a beautiful day!

Love from Lee ❤️🤝🏻

Never Trust Your Emotions

Look, I know you think the fact you feel upset or angry or anxious is important. That it matters. Hell, you probably think that because you feel like your face just got shat on makes you important. But it doesn’t. Feelings are just these… things that happen. The meaning we build around them what we decide is important or unimportant comes later.

There are only two reasons to do anything in life: a) because it feels good, or b) because it’s something you believe to be good or right. Sometimes these two reasons align. Something feels good AND is the right thing to do and that’s just fucking fantastic. Let’s throw a party and eat cake.

But more often, these two things don’t align. Something feels shitty but is right/good (getting up at 5AM and going to the gym, hanging out with grandma Joanie for an afternoon and making sure she’s still breathing), or something feels fucking great but is the bad/wrong thing to do (pretty much anything involving penises).

Acting based on our feelings is easy. You feel it. Then you do it. It’s like scratching an itch. There’s a sense of relief and cessation that comes along with it. It’s a quick satisfaction. But then that satisfaction is gone just as quickly as it fucking arrived.

Acting based on what’s good/right is difficult. For one, knowing what is good/right is not always clear. You often have to sit down and think hard about it. Often we have to feel ambivalent about our conclusions or fight through our lower impulses.

But when we do what’s good/right, the positive effects last much longer. We feel pride remembering it years later. We tell our friends and family about it and give ourselves cute little awards and put shit on our office walls and say, “Hey! I did that!”

The point is: doing what is good/right builds self-esteem and adds meaning to our lives.

YOUR TRICKY BRAIN

So we should just ignore our feelings and just do what is good/right all the time then, right? It’s simple.

Well, like many things in life, it is simple. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy.

The problem is that the brain doesn’t like to feel conflicted about its decision making. It doesn’t like uncertainty or ambiguity and will do mental acrobatics to avoid any discomfort.

So you know you shouldn’t eat ice cream or popping that beer open. But your brain says, “Hey, you had a hard day, a little bit won’t kill ya.” And you’re like, “Hey, you’re right! Thanks, brain!” What feels good suddenly feels right. And then you shamelessly inhale a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s and wash it down with a Peroni .

You know you shouldn’t cheat on your exam, but your brain says, “You’re working two jobs to put yourself through college, unlike these spoiled brats in your class. You deserve a little boost from time to time,” and so you sneak a peek at your classmate’s answers and voila, what feels good is also what feels right.

You know you should vote, but you tell yourself that the system is corrupt, and besides, your vote won’t matter anyway. And so you stay home and play with your new drone that’s probably illegal to fly in your neighborhood. But fuck it, who cares? This is Ireland and the whole point is to get fat doing whatever you want. That’s like, the sixth holy commandment, or something.

If you do this sort of thing long enough—if you convince yourself that what feels good is the same as what is good—then your brain will actually start to mix the two up. Your brain will start thinking the whole point of life is to just feel really awesome, as often as possible.

And once this happens, you’ll start deluding yourself into believing that your feelings actually matter. And once that happens, well…

If this is rubbing you the wrong way right now, just think about it for a second. Everything that’s screwed up in your life, chances are it got that way because you were too beholden to your feelings. You were too impulsive. Or too self-righteous and thought yourself the center of the universe.

Feelings have a way of doing that, you know? They make you think you’re the center of the universe. And I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re not.

A lot of young people hate hearing this because they grew up with parents who worshipped their feelings as children, and protected those feelings, and tried to buy as many happy meals and swimming lessons as necessary to make sure those feelings were nice and fuzzy and protected at all times.

Sadly, these parents probably did this because they were also beholding their emotions, because they were unable to tolerate the pain of watching a child struggle, even if just for a moment.

They didn’t realize that children need some controlled measure of adversity to develop cognitively and emotionally, that experiencing failure is actually what sets us up for success , and that demanding to feel good all the time is pretty much a first-class ticket to having no friends once you hit adulthood.

This is the problem with organizing your life around feelings:

YOUR FEELINGS ARE SELF-CONTAINED

They are wholly and solely experienced only by you. Your feelings can’t tell you what’s best for your mother or your career or your neighbor’s dog. They can’t tell you what’s best for the environment. Or what’s best for the next parliament of Lithuania. All they can do is tell you what’s best for you… and even that is debatable.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY

They only exist in the moment they arise. Your feelings cannot tell you what will be good for you in a week or a year or 20 years. They can’t tell you what was best for you when you were a kid or what you should have studied in school. All they can do is tell you what is best for you now… and even that is debatable.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE INACCURATE

Ever been talking to a friend and thought you heard them say this horrible mean thing and start to get upset and then it turned out your friend didn’t say that horrible, mean thing at all, you just heard it wrong?

Or ever got really jealous or upset with somebody close to you for a completely imagined reason? Like their phone dies and you start thinking they hate you and never liked you and were just using you for your westlife tickets?

Or ever been really excited to pursue something you thought was going to make you into a big bad ass but then later realized that it was all just an ego trip, and you pissed off a lot of people you cared about along the way?

Feelings kind of suck at the whole truth thing. And that’s a problem.

WHY IT’S HARD TO GET OVER YOUR OWN FEELINGS

Now, none of what I’m saying is really that surprising or new. In fact, you’ve probably tried to get over some of your own obnoxious feelings and impulses before and failed to do it.

The problem is when you start trying to control your own emotions , the emotions multiply. It’s like trying to exterminate rabbits. The fuckers just keep popping up all over the place.

Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m trying to get rid of my fucking feelings.

This is because we don’t just have feelings about our experiences, we also have feelings about our feelings. I call these “meta-feelings” and they pretty much ruin everything.

There are four types of meta-feelings:

⁃ Feeling bad about feeling bad (self loathing)

⁃ Feeling bad about feeling good (guilt)

⁃ Feeling good about feeling bad (self righteousness)

⁃ Feeling good about feeling good (ego/narcissism)

Here, let me put those into a pretty little table for you to stare at:

MEET YOUR META-FEELINGS

Feeling Bad About Feeling Bad (Self-Loathing)

• Anxious/Neurotic behavior

• Suppression of emotions

• Engage in a lot of fake niceness/politeness

• Feeling as though something is wrong with you

• Feeling Bad About Feeling Good (Guilt)

• Chronic guilt and feeling as though you don’t deserve happiness

• Constant comparison of yourself to others

• Feeling as though something should be wrong, even if everything is great

• Unnecessary criticism and negativity

• Feeling Good About Feeling Bad (Self-Righteousness)

• Moral indignation

• Condescension towards others

• Feeling as though you deserve something others don’t

• Seeking out a constant sense of powerlessness and victimisation

• Feeling Good About Feeling Good (Ego/Narcissism)

• Self-congratulatory

• Chronically overestimate yourself; a delusionally-positive self-perception

• Unable to handle failure or rejection

• Avoids confrontation or discomfort

• Constant state of self-absorption

Meta-feelings are part of the stories we tell ourselves about our feelings. They make us feel justified in our jealousy. They applaud us for our pride. They shove our faces in our own pain.

They’re basically the sense of what is justified/not justified. They’re our own acceptance of how we should respond emotionally and how we shouldn’t.

But emotions don’t respond to shoulds. Emotions suck, remember? And so instead, these meta-feelings have the tendency to rip us apart inside, even further.

If you always feel good about feeling good, you will become self-absorbed and feel entitled to those around you. If feeling good makes you feel bad about yourself, then you’ll become this walking, talking pile of guilt and shame , feeling as though you deserve nothing, have earned nothing, and have nothing of value to offer to the people or the world around you.

And then there are those who feel bad about feeling bad. These “positive thinkers” will live in fear that any amount of suffering indicates that something must be sorely wrong with them. This is the feedback loop from hell that I eluded to in an earlier blog! that many of us are thrust into by our culture , our family and the self help industry at large.

But perhaps the worst meta-feeling is increasingly the most common: feeling good about feeling bad. People who feel good about feeling bad get to enjoy a certain righteous indignation. They feel morally superior in their suffering, that they are somehow martyrs in a cruel world.

These self-aggrandizing victimhood trend-followers are the ones who want to shit on someone’s life on the internet, who want to march and throw shit at politicians or businessmen or celebrities who are merely doing their best in a hard, complex world.

Much of the social strife that we’re experiencing today is the result of these meta-feelings. Moralizing mobs on both the political right and left see themselves as victimized and somehow special in every miniscule pain or setback they experience.

Greed skyrockets while the rich congratulate themselves on being rich in tandem with the increasing rates of anxiety and depression as the lower and middle classes hate themselves for feeling left behind.

These narratives are spun not only by ourselves but fed by the narratives invented in the media. Right-wing talk show hosts stoke the flames of self-righteousness, creating an addiction to irrational fears that people’s society is crumbling around them. Political memes on the left create the same self-righteousness, but instead of appealing to fear, they appeal to intellect and arrogance.

Consumer culture pushes you to make decisions based on feeling great and then congratulates you for those decisions, while our religions tell us to feel bad about how bad we feel.

CONTROL MEANING, NOT EMOTIONS

To unspin these stories we must come back to a simple truth:

Feelings don’t necessarily mean anything.

They merely mean whatever you allow them to mean.

Maybe I’m sad today. Maybe there are eight different reasons I can be sad today. Maybe some of them are important and some of them aren’t. But I get to decide how important those reasons are—whether those reasons state something about my character or whether it’s just one of those sad days.

This is the skill that’s perilously missing today: the ability to de-couple meaning from feeling, to decide that just because you feel something, it doesn’t mean life is that something. This skill is so crucial to living an emotionally healthy life.

So with all this being said, have a great Monday. A great and fulfilling week.

But most of all DRINK YOUR DAMN COFFEE!

Death

Death is a recurring theme across all human life. People we love die, people we need die, people we don’t know die, and eventually, we will die ourselves. For this reason it’s imperative to remember our mortality and learn to use it as a tool and a compass to orient ourselves. In history many philosophers and psychologists kept death in mind when conducting and releasing work, and they never wanted to forget how limited our time on earth is.

But tactical psychology is all about removing the bullshit from all the Philosophy, all of the psychology and giving you real world advice which you can implement in your life.

So ask yourself, how does one deal with the natural grief that loss provokes?

Speaking for myself, I had struggled to win a battle over depression and anger once my father died suddenly.

I’m here today with an amazing life surrounded by the most amazing people, because I won that battle.

But before I won, I felt nothing but hatred for the world and everyone in it, including me.

But from the ashes of my self destruction, I learned some of the most valuable life lessons, that a person can only learn when they’re faced with adversity.

Anything human is mentionable.

Anything mentionable is manageable.

When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and most of all less scary.

Don’t let social media fucking fool you, everyone and I mean everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Grief never ends. But it changes.

It’s a passage, not a place to stay

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

Have you ever heard some ask: “What would you do if you found out tomorrow that you had cancer?”

The question is designed to make you consider how different life might be if you were suddenly given just a few months or weeks to live. There’s nothing like a terminal illness to wake people up.

But here’s the thing: you already have a terminal diagnosis. We all do! As the writer Edmund Wilson put it, “Death is one prophecy that never fails.” Every person is born with a death sentence. Each second that passes by is one you’ll never get back.

Once you realize this, it will have a profound impact on what you do, say, and think. Don’t let another day tick away in ignorance of the reality that you’re a dying person. We all are. Can today be the day we stop pretending otherwise?

In conclusion, Life is short and death is all around us. Grief is all around us but so is happiness and so is life. The train keeps rolling whether we decide to jump on again or not.

Oh, I almost forgot. Don’t forget to drink your coffee 🫡

#lifecoach #lifelessons #grief #loss #positive #lesson #blog #blogpost #drinkyourcoffee