I often tell people, try treating your emotions like a dog.
Yeah, they’re like “what the actual fuck is this guy on about” as well. But hear me out. This espresso has got my psychology juices flowing.
One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that shitty dogs almost always have shitty owners.
The dog’s level of discipline is reflected in the owner’s emotional maturity and self-discipline.
It’s very rare to see a dog that’s wrecking the house, eating all the toilet paper and shitting on the couch which has an owner who has their own shit together.
This is because our connections with dogs are purely emotional.
And if we suck at dealing with our own emotions, then we’ll suck at dealing with our dogs. It’s that simple.
If you don’t know how to limit yourself and tell yourself “no” when necessary, then, well, don’t get a dog.
And if you do get one, don’t fucking move into my estate (or neighbourhood for my American followers).
Our emotions are kind of like our dog that’s living inside our head.
We have this part of ourselves that just wants to eat, sleep, fuck and play, but has no conception of future consequences or risks.
That’s the part of ourselves we need to train.
Our emotions are important. But they’re also kind of dumb and designed to overreact to things.
They evolved to keep us alive when we were hunting water buffalo on the savannah and shit like that.
When we’re scared we want to run away or hide. When we’re angry we want to break stuff.
But thankfully, our brains also evolved logic and the ability to consider the past and the future, and all that great Gucci stuff.
That’s what makes us humans. And not dogs.
The problem is, our “dog brain” is actually what controls our behavior.
You can intellectually know that eating ice cream for breakfast is a bad idea, but if your dog brain wants fucking ice cream for breakfast, then that’s ultimately where your body is going to go.
It’s only by training your dog brain with your people brain, “No, bad Lee, ice cream for breakfast is bad, go do something else that feels good and is healthy like lifting some heavy shit off the ground,” that your dog brain gradually learns.
Do that enough and you have a well-behaved dog brain.
Now, after that rollercoaster of emotions can you see why I said train your emotions like a dog? Yeah? Good.
Welcome to growth you beautiful motherfucker.
Fuck, I nearly forgot. Drink your damn coffee and don’t be an asshole today, the world has plenty of them already.
You know the question. It’s the ultimate question. The question that you and I and everyone have lain awake at night thinking about.
The question that brings equal parts wonder and terror to our feeble fucking minds. Why are we here? What is the point of it all? What is the meaning of life so to speak?
Well, fortunately, I figured it out while I was drinking a coffee this morning. I’m pretty sure it’s coffee. And no, I’m not saying that just because I’m having coffee. There’s an explanation here. I’m going to explain it, clickbait titles and all, in, oh, the next eight minutes or so.
First off, before we can even appropriately ask “What is the meaning of life?” we must first settle something more subtle and something more important. Namely, what is meaning?
WHAT IS MEANING?
What is meaning? That may strike you as terribly navel-gazey and ultra-philosophical. And if that’s the case, I invite you to think about coffee for a moment, and just stick with me for a minute. Because it’s important.
What does it mean for something to mean something? As humans, we have a constant need to attach meaning to everything that happens in our lives.
Look, a guy climbed a rock looking for meaning! My mom hugs me, that must mean that she loves me. My boss complimented me, that must mean I do good work. It’s going to be sunny tomorrow, that must mean I can wear my super-cool SpongeBob tank top to the store.
Meaning is the association that we draw between two experiences or events in our minds. X happens, then Y happens, so we assume that means X causes Y. Z happens, and we get really pissed off and feel shit, therefore we assume that Z sucks.
Our brains invent meaning the way dogs shit, they do it gleefully and not even realising that they’re ruining the fucking carpet.
Our brains invent meaning as a way to explain all the crazy shit going on in the world around us. This is important, as it helps us predict and control our lives.
But let’s be real: Meaning is an arbitrary mental construct.
Fifty people can watch the exact same event and draw fifty different meanings from said event. That’s why there’s so much arguing in politics. That’s why eyewitnesses are so unreliable in court.
That’s why your friends are sometimes the biggest assholes, because that meaning you just shared, to them, meant something completely different or nothing at all
TYPES OF MEANING IN LIFE
Our brains slap together two different types of meaning:
• Cause/Effect Meaning: You kick the ball, the ball moves. You tell your friend his hair is ugly, your friend slaps you in the face. You do X, and with reliable certainty, Y will result.We all need Cause/Effect meaning to survive. It helps us predict the future and learn from the past. Cause/Effect meaning primarily involves the logical parts of our brain. Science, for instance, is the constant search of more and more Cause/Effect Meaning.
• Better/Worse Meaning: Eating is better than starving. Making money is better than being broke. Sharing is better than stealing. Better/Worse meaning has to do with the nature of our values—what we perceive to be most important and useful in our lives.Better/Worse meaning relies mostly on the emotional parts of our brains. Generally what makes us feel good is what we immediately assume to be “good” or “better.”
Both forms of meaning evolved in our brains to help us survive. For thousands of years, humans needed to remember where certain food could be found, how various animals would respond when hunted, how weather patterns change and how to read the terrain. They also needed to know what would gain them acceptance within their tribe, what would curry favour from friends and earn approval from that sexy guy/gal in the loin cloth over yonder.
So in that sense, meaning is nature’s tool for motivation. It’s how evolution made sure we got shit done. Meaning drives all of our actions. When there is great meaning attached to something, like our child is sick and starving, we will go to insane lengths to make things right. People will often even go as far as giving up their lives for some grand sense of meaning (see: religion, every war ever). Meaning is that effective at moving people.
Meaning is nature’s tool for motivation.
Conversely, when we feel we lack meaning in our lives, when shit just doesn’t seem to matter, when there’s no clarity on how or why things happen to us, we do nothing. We sit on the couch and twiddle our thumbs and watch lame reruns while complaining on the internet about lame reruns. But here’s the kicker (and I swear I’m going to get to the coffee):
Meaning is a resource that we must cultivate in our lives.
Meaning is not something that exists outside of ourselves. It is not some cosmic universal truth waiting to be discovered. It is not some grand ‘eureka’ moment that will change our lives forever.
Meaning requires action. Meaning is something that we must continually find and nurture. Consistently.
Man’s great search for the meaning of life usually ends like this.
Meaning is like the water of our psychological health. Without it, our hearts and minds will shrivel and die. And like water, meaning flows through us—what is important today is not what was important years ago, and what is important tomorrow will not be the same as what is important today. Meaning must be sought out and replenished frequently.
HOW TO FIND MEANING IN YOUR LIFE
In a very real sense, the meaning of life is therefore to create meaning. So how does one create meaning? Two ways:
• Solve Problems. The bigger the problem, the more meaning one will feel. The more work you do towards that problem, also the more meaning you will feel. Solving problems basically means finding ways to make the world a slightly better place. Can be as simple as fixing up your aging mother’s dilapidated house. Or as complex as working on the new great breakthrough in physics.The point here is not to be picky. It’s easy, when we start thinking of how insignificant we are on a cosmic scale of the universe, to start thinking there’s no point in doing anything unless we’re going to save the world or something. This is just a distraction. There are tons of small, everyday problems going on around you that need your attention. Start giving it.
• Help Others. This is the biggie. As humans, we’re wired to thrive on our relationships. Studies show that our overall well-being is deeply tied to the quality of our relationships, and the best way to build healthy relationships is through helping others. In fact, some studies have even found that giving stuff away makes us happier than giving stuff to ourselves. Go figure. As such, it seems to be a “hack” in our brains that helping out other people gives us a greater sense of meaning and purpose. Just the fact you can say to yourself, “If I died, then someone is better off because I lived,” creates that sense of meaning that can propel you forward.
THE TRAP OF SETTING GOALS
A lot of people find meaning through setting goals for themselves. They want the corner office, the big car, the fancy-pants shoes. It gives them a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to bust their ass at work. It gives them something that makes them feel important and something to look forward to every day.
But goals are a double-edged sword. You have to be careful.
Goals are good tools for building motivation. The problem is that, by themselves, they are arbitrary and empty. Unless there’s a “why” behind the goal full of meaning, the goal itself will provide little long-term happiness or satisfaction. Ever seen star athletes flounder after retirement? Or a guy who finally made his millions become deeply miserable because he doesn’t know what else to do with his life?
Goals are dangerous because the meaning they provide when you’re working towards them is the meaning that is taken away once you achieve them.
This is why all the superficial stuff like make a billion euros, or own a Rolls Royce, or get your face plastered on the cover of a magazine all lead to a type of happiness that is shallow and short-lived—because the meaning is shallow and short-lived.
There has to be a deeper reason for your goals. Otherwise, the goals themselves will be empty and worthless in the long run.
Some athletes handle retirement well. Others end up on Dancing with the fucking Stars.
Notice that it’s the athletes who aspire to be the best at their sport for some greater reason to build a charity, to start a business, to transition into another career who handle retirement the best.
Notice it’s the millionaires who spent their life working towards a deeper cause that remain content once all of their goals are checked off the checklist.
But some goals don’t even have to be big and sexy.
Take a cup of coffee. I sat down to write this blog craving a coffee. That’s a problem in my life. And I promised myself I’d pump out this draft before going and getting this magnificent sexy coffee. That gave this hour some extra meaning.
And you know what? Maybe my fiancé is craving one too and I can get her one. You know, make the world a better place and all that shit while I’m at it.
So what’s the meaning of life? Well, for me, right now, it’s a coffee. What will yours be?
PS: if you haven’t already, get a damn coffee and have an amazing day you beautiful motherfucker.
Everyone has heard of therapy in some form or another, but a lot of people don’t have a clear idea of what it is or what they’re getting into. One stereotype is that you lay on a couch and cry like a child. Another is that it’s just some guy who prescribes you pills. Another is that it’s some guy who shows you ink blots and asks you what you see (boobs, I always see boobs). As with many things, these are caricatures created by pop culture for entertainment purposes. Most therapy is far duller and far more personal than this.
WHAT IS THERAPY?
The idea behind therapy is that most of our decision making comes from unconscious aspects of our mind. As long as these parts of our mind are unconscious, we’re unable to exercise control over them.
The primary purpose of therapy is to help us become aware of these sections of our unconscious, accept them, and then begin exerting control over them. This is how you generally learn to take care of your daily mental health.
The primary purpose of therapy is to help us become aware of the unconscious parts of our mind, accept them, and then begin exerting control over them.
This form of therapy where the therapist helps you uncover the unconscious is common and looks something like this in real life:
You get uncontrollably angry when your significant other doesn’t call back. The culprit is something buried within your unconscious which is causing you to react in such an irrational manner.
By attending therapy, you can start digging into the past, your emotional development, traumas, life problems, childhood, and find the trigger. Maybe your mother made a habit of leaving you behind when you were most vulnerable. Perhaps your past relationships involved someone cheating on you repeatedly or they were rarely available. Whatever.
Once uncovered, then you can process the anger and the hurt in a safe environment. This will then allow you to become more aware of the anger and therefore not feel so powerless when these outbursts occur. Eventually, you should be able to exert enough control over your emotion to modify your behaviour.
Another popular form of therapy is Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT is useful for changing specific habits or thought patterns, particularly those related to anxiety and depression. CBT focuses more on observing your thoughts and how they lead to behaviours rather than unconscious emotions.
Both forms of therapy have their own strengths and weaknesses. Both are quite effective depending on the issue.
PROBLEMS WITH THERAPY
There are a lot of criticisms of therapy, and although most of them are made by people who have never actually attended therapy, some of them are legitimate. If you are considering therapy or are already in therapy, here are some things to watch out for:
PROFESSIONAL PILL PRESCRIBERS
People often mistake psychologists/therapists for psychiatrists. Psychiatrists prescribe medications and specialise in mental illnesses. Psychologists (generally) do not. Unfortunately, the reputation has developed that ALL therapy consists of, whether by a psychologist or psychiatrist, is a queue to get easy drugs.
Unfortunately, this is true for some practitioners. Unless you believe you suffer from a mental illness, I would recommend you see a therapist/psychologist and only pursue medication if therapy seems ineffective over an extended period of time. Many people go straight to a psychiatrist who then hands them anti-depressants or some other pill like it’s candy.
BECOMING A COUCH POTATO
Many people attend therapy with the expectation that they go sit in a comfy chair and the therapist will magically fix them. Sometimes they even get frustrated when
“nothing happens” in their therapy sessions, when in actuality they’re hardly participating in them.
Therapy is a participatory activity. In fact, I would argue that if therapy is going well, it’s because you are doing 80% of the work.
You should approach it with the attitude that you are there to work on yourself and the therapist is there to facilitate and give you a push in the right direction. See them as a personal trainer for your mind and emotions. You’re still doing all of the heavy lifting, but they’re there to spot, encourage, and direct you. If you aren’t willing to do the work, then they can’t do anything to help.
THE NEVER-ENDING THERAPY
Therapy is still subject to the Law of self help: You can judge the usefulness of any self-help tool by how many people are leaving it. If people are leaving it, it works. If people are staying, then it’s not working.
Many people leave therapy with success stories (myself included), but many people stay for years and years with little to show for it.
Many people fall into comfortable patterns with their therapists. In the beginning, they may uncover some major issues and make some big changes, but eventually, the therapist won’t be able to offer a new perspective, the patient will come in every week or month for years on end, they will discuss the same topics, and they will enter into a loop of patient shares problems, therapist validates problems, patient feels better about problems and leaves, comes back later with similar (or the same) problems.
Don’t fall into the trap of paying someone to validate your issues. It’s tempting and it’s easy to do, both for you and for your therapist. But don’t do it.
Therapy should feel a little uncomfortable. It should challenge you. It should make you think about your life from new perspectives. It shouldn’t feel good all the time. If it ever becomes repetitive, then it may be time to get out and find a new therapist or try something else.
THE EASY HIRE
Another problem people have is that they are not selective with the therapist they hire. You should treat this step of the process seriously, as if you’re interviewing people for a job opening in your life.
Most therapists offer free consultation sessions where you can meet them, get to know them, and describe your problems to them. There will be some therapists you naturally click with and others you don’t. Some therapists will be able to relate to your problems personally, others won’t.
When I sought out a therapist, I purposefully found a younger male who used to party a lot and was a musician. I felt like he could relate to me and where I was in my life. Things went really well.
Maybe you need someone who will make you feel uncomfortable, someone who will challenge you and won’t put up with your bullshit. Whatever your case may be, take a moment to consider what type of therapist could best relate to your issues and help you, and seek them out.
Hiring a therapist is a large commitment, so take it seriously.
SIX SIGNS THAT YOU NEED THERAPY
I’ve actually referred a lot of people to therapy over the years. Many have ignored it (especially men…). Some have gone. A few have come back and thanked me for recommending it to them. It’s hard to say for sure who needs it and who doesn’t.
Therapy is one of those tricky things, like most self-development tools, because it’s rarely ever a bad thing to do. One could argue that everyone needs therapy in some form or another or for some period of time.
But I would only recommend it if you feel you aren’t able to handle your emotional issues and have tried on your own for a while.
Here are six signs that you may need therapy:
SIGN 1: IMPULSES
All of us struggle with impulses from time to time (that chocolate cake is just begging to be devoured). Some of us are more successful than others at resisting them. If you find yourself regularly succumbing to impulses, you may want to consider therapy.
The most common impulses people succumb to are emotional—angry outbursts, bouts of depression, etc.—and sexual—fear of intimacy, sexual anxiety, etc. Having little to no control over these impulses can be a major obstacle to living a functional life, not to mention a happy and healthy one.
SIGN 2: DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD
The influence of childhood experiences on our thoughts, emotions, and actions as an adult cannot be overstated. What makes it worse is that we’re usually not aware of them—they reside in the unconscious parts of our mind.
Many people, including myself in the past, go about their lives completely unaware of attachment issues that result from not receiving enough love and affection from their parents as a child. You may know someone who just can’t seem to get their finances in control, unaware that they’ve been influenced by their parents’ reckless ways with money all those years ago.
Unfortunately, when it comes to mental inclinations, the apple rarely falls far from the tree unless you’ve developed the ability to self-reflect and act against your tendencies. And few people do.
So if you come from a difficult childhood, if you had absent parents or a poor relationship with them, you may be suffering the after-effects without knowing.
SIGN 3: MAJOR TRAUMAS
I probably don’t have to convince you that traumas are a big deal, and it never hurts to get help to deal with them. Major traumas in life could be the death of loved ones, abuse, major health problems, etc.
Even if you think you’re perfectly fine, chances are you’re psychologically suffering in one way or another without knowing it. Getting therapy could help you uncover these blind spots and truly turn the page.
SIGN 4: COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS
We all succumb to vices from time to time. These vices in moderate amounts on occasion don’t necessarily hurt—that ice cold beer at the end of a long working day, that chocolate cake we finally devour.
However, in some cases the vices become compulsive behaviours and begin to interfere with other areas of your life, the most common ones being alcohol and drug abuse.Similarly to the emotional and sexual impulses I mentioned above, these compulsive behaviours do you no favours and will thoroughly derail your life. Seek help.
SIGN 5: DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Humans are social animals, so it should come as no surprise that having dysfunctionalrelationships has an outsized impact on your quality of life.
The sad truth is that many, if not the majority, of us have at least one dysfunctional relationship and are simply putting up with it, thinking it’s part and parcel of life. This is the wrong approach.
Always fighting with your other half over pointless things like duvet sets or pillow cases? Always guilt-tripped into visiting your aging parents? Always getting blamed for mistakes at work? Always saying “yes” to your best friend’s never-ending requests? These are tell-tale signs of unhealthy and, in some cases, dysfunctional relationships.
Tolerate them, you should not.
SIGN 6: OBSESSION
Some of us are overly pre-occupied with one aspect of our lives. Joe next door is obsessed with being “cool” or popular. Your aunt is obsessed with impressing everyone at family gatherings. Your partner has a constant need for approval from others and is always looking for that pat on the back from you for every little thing they do. Hell, maybe even you yourself are obsessing about improving yourself (you are reading this article after all). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for self improvement But sometimes this devolves into feeling like you’re never good enough and mindlessly executing self help hacks which you can probably tell is not a bueno idea.
In the end, therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it could be the difference between a healthy and happy life and a life full of agonising crapfests. I prefer the former myself.
Look, I know you think the fact you feel upset or angry or anxious is important. That it matters. Hell, you probably think that because you feel like your face just got shat on makes you important. But it doesn’t. Feelings are just these… things that happen. The meaning we build around them what we decide is important or unimportant comes later.
There are only two reasons to do anything in life: a) because it feels good, or b) because it’s something you believe to be good or right. Sometimes these two reasons align. Something feels good AND is the right thing to do and that’s just fucking fantastic. Let’s throw a party and eat cake.
But more often, these two things don’t align. Something feels shitty but is right/good (getting up at 5AM and going to the gym, hanging out with grandma Joanie for an afternoon and making sure she’s still breathing), or something feels fucking great but is the bad/wrong thing to do (pretty much anything involving penises).
Acting based on our feelings is easy. You feel it. Then you do it. It’s like scratching an itch. There’s a sense of relief and cessation that comes along with it. It’s a quick satisfaction. But then that satisfaction is gone just as quickly as it fucking arrived.
Acting based on what’s good/right is difficult. For one, knowing what is good/right is not always clear. You often have to sit down and think hard about it. Often we have to feel ambivalent about our conclusions or fight through our lower impulses.
But when we do what’s good/right, the positive effects last much longer. We feel pride remembering it years later. We tell our friends and family about it and give ourselves cute little awards and put shit on our office walls and say, “Hey! I did that!”
The point is: doing what is good/right builds self-esteem and adds meaning to our lives.
YOUR TRICKY BRAIN
So we should just ignore our feelings and just do what is good/right all the time then, right? It’s simple.
Well, like many things in life, it is simple. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy.
The problem is that the brain doesn’t like to feel conflicted about its decision making. It doesn’t like uncertainty or ambiguity and will do mental acrobatics to avoid any discomfort.
So you know you shouldn’t eat ice cream or popping that beer open. But your brain says, “Hey, you had a hard day, a little bit won’t kill ya.” And you’re like, “Hey, you’re right! Thanks, brain!” What feels good suddenly feels right. And then you shamelessly inhale a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s and wash it down with a Peroni .
You know you shouldn’t cheat on your exam, but your brain says, “You’re working two jobs to put yourself through college, unlike these spoiled brats in your class. You deserve a little boost from time to time,” and so you sneak a peek at your classmate’s answers and voila, what feels good is also what feels right.
You know you should vote, but you tell yourself that the system is corrupt, and besides, your vote won’t matter anyway. And so you stay home and play with your new drone that’s probably illegal to fly in your neighborhood. But fuck it, who cares? This is Ireland and the whole point is to get fat doing whatever you want. That’s like, the sixth holy commandment, or something.
If you do this sort of thing long enough—if you convince yourself that what feels good is the same as what is good—then your brain will actually start to mix the two up. Your brain will start thinking the whole point of life is to just feel really awesome, as often as possible.
And once this happens, you’ll start deluding yourself into believing that your feelings actually matter. And once that happens, well…
If this is rubbing you the wrong way right now, just think about it for a second. Everything that’s screwed up in your life, chances are it got that way because you were too beholden to your feelings. You were too impulsive. Or too self-righteous and thought yourself the center of the universe.
Feelings have a way of doing that, you know? They make you think you’re the center of the universe. And I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re not.
A lot of young people hate hearing this because they grew up with parents who worshipped their feelings as children, and protected those feelings, and tried to buy as many happy meals and swimming lessons as necessary to make sure those feelings were nice and fuzzy and protected at all times.
Sadly, these parents probably did this because they were also beholding their emotions, because they were unable to tolerate the pain of watching a child struggle, even if just for a moment.
They didn’t realize that children need some controlled measure of adversity to develop cognitively and emotionally, that experiencing failure is actually what sets us up for success , and that demanding to feel good all the time is pretty much a first-class ticket to having no friends once you hit adulthood.
This is the problem with organizing your life around feelings:
YOUR FEELINGS ARE SELF-CONTAINED
They are wholly and solely experienced only by you. Your feelings can’t tell you what’s best for your mother or your career or your neighbor’s dog. They can’t tell you what’s best for the environment. Or what’s best for the next parliament of Lithuania. All they can do is tell you what’s best for you… and even that is debatable.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY
They only exist in the moment they arise. Your feelings cannot tell you what will be good for you in a week or a year or 20 years. They can’t tell you what was best for you when you were a kid or what you should have studied in school. All they can do is tell you what is best for you now… and even that is debatable.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE INACCURATE
Ever been talking to a friend and thought you heard them say this horrible mean thing and start to get upset and then it turned out your friend didn’t say that horrible, mean thing at all, you just heard it wrong?
Or ever got really jealous or upset with somebody close to you for a completely imagined reason? Like their phone dies and you start thinking they hate you and never liked you and were just using you for your westlife tickets?
Or ever been really excited to pursue something you thought was going to make you into a big bad ass but then later realized that it was all just an ego trip, and you pissed off a lot of people you cared about along the way?
Feelings kind of suck at the whole truth thing. And that’s a problem.
WHY IT’S HARD TO GET OVER YOUR OWN FEELINGS
Now, none of what I’m saying is really that surprising or new. In fact, you’ve probably tried to get over some of your own obnoxious feelings and impulses before and failed to do it.
The problem is when you start trying to control your own emotions , the emotions multiply. It’s like trying to exterminate rabbits. The fuckers just keep popping up all over the place.
Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m trying to get rid of my fucking feelings.
This is because we don’t just have feelings about our experiences, we also have feelings about our feelings. I call these “meta-feelings” and they pretty much ruin everything.
There are four types of meta-feelings:
⁃ Feeling bad about feeling bad (self loathing)
⁃ Feeling bad about feeling good (guilt)
⁃ Feeling good about feeling bad (self righteousness)
⁃ Feeling good about feeling good (ego/narcissism)
Here, let me put those into a pretty little table for you to stare at:
MEET YOUR META-FEELINGS
Feeling Bad About Feeling Bad (Self-Loathing)
• Anxious/Neurotic behavior
• Suppression of emotions
• Engage in a lot of fake niceness/politeness
• Feeling as though something is wrong with you
• Feeling Bad About Feeling Good (Guilt)
• Chronic guilt and feeling as though you don’t deserve happiness
• Constant comparison of yourself to others
• Feeling as though something should be wrong, even if everything is great
• Unnecessary criticism and negativity
• Feeling Good About Feeling Bad (Self-Righteousness)
• Moral indignation
• Condescension towards others
• Feeling as though you deserve something others don’t
• Seeking out a constant sense of powerlessness and victimisation
• Feeling Good About Feeling Good (Ego/Narcissism)
• Self-congratulatory
• Chronically overestimate yourself; a delusionally-positive self-perception
• Unable to handle failure or rejection
• Avoids confrontation or discomfort
• Constant state of self-absorption
Meta-feelings are part of the stories we tell ourselves about our feelings. They make us feel justified in our jealousy. They applaud us for our pride. They shove our faces in our own pain.
They’re basically the sense of what is justified/not justified. They’re our own acceptance of how we should respond emotionally and how we shouldn’t.
But emotions don’t respond to shoulds. Emotions suck, remember? And so instead, these meta-feelings have the tendency to rip us apart inside, even further.
If you always feel good about feeling good, you will become self-absorbed and feel entitled to those around you. If feeling good makes you feel bad about yourself, then you’ll become this walking, talking pile of guilt and shame , feeling as though you deserve nothing, have earned nothing, and have nothing of value to offer to the people or the world around you.
And then there are those who feel bad about feeling bad. These “positive thinkers” will live in fear that any amount of suffering indicates that something must be sorely wrong with them. This is the feedback loop from hell that I eluded to in an earlier blog! that many of us are thrust into by our culture , our family and the self help industry at large.
But perhaps the worst meta-feeling is increasingly the most common: feeling good about feeling bad. People who feel good about feeling bad get to enjoy a certain righteous indignation. They feel morally superior in their suffering, that they are somehow martyrs in a cruel world.
These self-aggrandizing victimhood trend-followers are the ones who want to shit on someone’s life on the internet, who want to march and throw shit at politicians or businessmen or celebrities who are merely doing their best in a hard, complex world.
Much of the social strife that we’re experiencing today is the result of these meta-feelings. Moralizing mobs on both the political right and left see themselves as victimized and somehow special in every miniscule pain or setback they experience.
Greed skyrockets while the rich congratulate themselves on being rich in tandem with the increasing rates of anxiety and depression as the lower and middle classes hate themselves for feeling left behind.
These narratives are spun not only by ourselves but fed by the narratives invented in the media. Right-wing talk show hosts stoke the flames of self-righteousness, creating an addiction to irrational fears that people’s society is crumbling around them. Political memes on the left create the same self-righteousness, but instead of appealing to fear, they appeal to intellect and arrogance.
Consumer culture pushes you to make decisions based on feeling great and then congratulates you for those decisions, while our religions tell us to feel bad about how bad we feel.
CONTROL MEANING, NOT EMOTIONS
To unspin these stories we must come back to a simple truth:
Feelings don’t necessarily mean anything.
They merely mean whatever you allow them to mean.
Maybe I’m sad today. Maybe there are eight different reasons I can be sad today. Maybe some of them are important and some of them aren’t. But I get to decide how important those reasons are—whether those reasons state something about my character or whether it’s just one of those sad days.
This is the skill that’s perilously missing today: the ability to de-couple meaning from feeling, to decide that just because you feel something, it doesn’t mean life is that something. This skill is so crucial to living an emotionally healthy life.
So with all this being said, have a great Monday. A great and fulfilling week.
Self care seems to be the “popular” thing to discuss and give talks on nowadays, while also charging you €100 for the privilege 😉, but what does it actually mean for me and you?
Well like I said, tactical psychology is all about taking the bullshit out of psychology so let’s get into it 🤝🏻
Limit your exposure to toxic people, toxic information, and toxic environments.
This means learning to say “no” (remember our last conversation about saying no? if not, click the link to give it a read https://tactical-psychology.com/2023/01/06/saying-no/) saying no doesn’t always mean just uttering the words “no” to someone it also means learning how to be fine on your own.
Do the unpleasant, unsexy habits that make everything else possible. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Stay in on a Wednesday night. Pay off your credit card or credit union loan. Floss. It’s not sexy, but it has to be done.
Challenge yourself regularly.
When people think of self-care, they think it means getting away from life. But self-care means enriching your life with interesting challenges that force you to grow.
Have difficult conversations.
The quality of your life is proportional to the quality of your relationships. Take care of those relationships by having the uncomfortable conversations that result in trust and respect.
Rest. You don’t need to book a €500 spa treatment to rest. You don’t need to have a selfie in a hammock in the Caribbean to rest. Rest means rest. It can be your couch, your bed, on the floor, or in the arms of someone you care about.
So this weekend take some time to implement some self care, place yourself at the top of your priority list and enjoy the weekend!
“How many have laid waste to your life when you weren’t aware of what you were losing, how much was wasted in pointless grief, foolish joy, greedy desire, and social amusements, how little of your own was left to you. You will realize you are dying before your time!” -SENECA, ON THE BREVITY OF LIFE, 3.36
One of the hardest things to do in life is to say “No.” To invitations, to requests, to obligations, to the stuff that everyone else is doing.
Even harder is saying no to certain time consuming emotions: anger, excitement, distraction, obsession, lust. None of these impulses feels like a big deal by itself, but run amok, they become a commitment like anything else.
If you’re not careful, these are precisely the impositions that will overwhelm and consume your life. Do you ever wonder how you can get some of your time back, how you can feel less busy?
Start by learning the power of “No!” – as in “No, thank you, and “No, I’m not going to get caught up in that,” and “No, I just can’t right now.” It may hurt some feelings. It may turn people off. It may take some hard work. But the more you say no to the things that don’t matter, the more you can say yes to the things that do. This will let you live and enjoy your life the life that you want.
No person would give up even an inch of their estate, and the slightest dispute with a neighbor can mean hell to pay, yet we easily let others encroach on our lives worse, we often pave the way for those who will take it over. No person hands out their money to passers by, but to how many do each of us hand out our lives!
We’re tight fisted with property and money, yet think too little of wasting time, the one thing about which we should all be the
toughest misers.
Property can be regained, money can be re-earned. Time? Time is our most irreplaceable asset—we cannot buy more of it. We cannot get a second of it back. We can only hope to waste as little as possible. Yet somehow we treat it as the most renewable of all resources.
You can only hand so many hours of your day over to other people before there is none left.
Even if there are some left, you may have lost the clarity, the energy and the capacity to do anything with them. So, next time someone is asking for just a little of your time, or you feel the pressures of minor social obligations, or the temptations of potential financial gain remind yourself of this advice. SAY FUCKING NO.
Tactical Psychology 